Heart pounding, worry mounting, just breathe. In and out, steady. Inhale…exhale. Rhythmic calm trying to settle my body. I didn’t need my heart muscle to quiet down, what I needed was for my heart strings to tune to another note.
So I grabbed my prayer journal, my favorite pen and my shiny chrome clip-on reading light and headed for my son’s teepee: why there? I couldn’t say. I just wanted to be tucked in somewhere warm and cozy to cry out to my God in the middle of the night all by myself while my husband and son slept soundly.
TRUST. It’s my word of the year. “I really need your help, Lord! I don’t want to live like this. I need a miracle in my heart, because You know what fills the hours of my heart: fear, worry, trepidation.”
I felt a stirring in my heart as I cried out to Him, “Fear Me! Not your future, not the future of your family, not the unknowns that surround every person breathing on this planet that I created. Find out what it means to fear Me, and then You will find out what it means to really trust Me.”
Fear God. It carries a little bit of a negative connotation, doesn’t it? But at the core, what does it really mean? Reverence, honor, the understanding that He is Faithful and True, realizing that He is the only One worthy of the commitment of our lives and our all-encompassing thoughts that sometimes won’t stop.
I know all of this in my head, I was raised in church, I went to a Southern Christian university to get my bachelor’s degree and consequently also got an associate’s in Bible, I know the right answers, the theologically correct views. But whoa, such a difference in knowing the right answers and then really living it.
Fear hasn’t loomed this great over my head since after my dad died and I was completely overcome with the kind of nightmares that don’t quit when you wake up out of sleep. But now, I have ten thousand more reasons to trust Him, and yet, it’s often a daily battle just to not be paralyzed in fright, and I don’t even have something major to be rationally fearful for, at the moment. Seriously.
I sought The Lord, and he heard me, and delivered me from all my fears. Psalm 34:4
But what’s that scripture about God fighting for us? Remember the book of Exodus, chapter 14, how the Hebrews were fleeing Pharaoh and all they could see were the Egyptian soldiers surrounding them and the Red Sea in front of them? Moses held up his staff as the Lord instructed, God parted the Red Sea and Moses led the Hebrews across on dry ground.
That’s our God, all you struggling with fear and anxiety and worry and doubt and insecurity. Our God says “Be still…I am the One who fights your battles. I already won the victory with my Son’s blood given for you!”